“If You Were Me, What Would You Do?”: Asking the Question That Builds Trust in Cancer Care

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There’s a moment that happens in a lot of exam rooms that no one really prepares you for.

You sit down. The doctor starts talking. You nod along. You tell yourself you’ll ask your questions when there’s a pause. And then, before you know it, the appointment is over, and you’re back in the parking lot, wondering how you just let 10 minutes slip by without saying the one thing you actually needed to ask.

I’ve heard versions of this story for years. And the more conversations I have, the more I’m convinced that the hardest part of care isn’t always the diagnosis itself. It’s navigating the relationship that follows.

When I spoke with Jane Lowe Meisel, M.D., FASCO, on The Educated Patient Podcast, she shared a question she encourages patients to ask their providers:

“If you were me, what would you do?”

It’s simple. It’s direct. And it does something subtle but important inside the room.

It slows things down.

When you ask that question, you’re not challenging anyone’s expertise. You’re asking your doctor to think beyond guidelines for a moment and consider you. Not the average patient. Not the study population. The person sitting in front of them.

That matters, especially in cancer care, where decisions aren’t just medical. They ripple into work, family, energy, finances and every corner of life.

We talked on the episode about white coat syndrome, that freezing feeling patients get when they’re face-to-face with a clinician. What struck me was realizing that something similar can happen on the other side of the table. Doctors are human, too. They’re moving fast. They’re juggling a lot. It’s easy for conversations to slide into autopilot.

That question interrupts it, in a good way.

It pulls the conversation back into shared territory. It reminds both people that this isn’t just about treating a disease. It’s about making decisions that fit a real person’s life.

Meisel also shared a question she asks her patients at the end of visits: “Is there anything else I should know about you that would help me take good care of you?”

I love that pairing. One question invites the patient in. The other invites the doctor out. Somewhere in the middle, trust gets built.

Many patients worry that asking questions will make them seem difficult or as if they’re challenging authority. What I hear from clinicians is almost the opposite. Thoughtful questions signal engagement. They show that someone cares enough to understand what’s happening to them. That kind of honesty makes better care possible.

How to Prep for a High-Stakes Appointment (So You Don’t Freeze)

This came up naturally in our conversation, and it’s worth calling out because it’s so practical. These aren’t medical tips. They’re communication tools.

Preparing for Your Appointment Worksheet

1. Write things down before you go. Not perfectly. Not neatly. Just enough to get what’s rattling around in your head onto paper.
2. List what you’re unsure about, not just what you want answered. Confusion is information. Bring it with you.
3. Think through the conversation, not just the outcome. What do you want to feel walking out? Clear? Heard? Less alone?
4. Physically hold your notes during the appointment. It’s a small cue, but it tells your doctor you came prepared and you’re not done yet.
5. Save “If you were me, what would you do?” for the moment that matters most. It often opens a different kind of answer.

One thing Meisel pointed out that stuck with me: when a patient shows up prepared, it changes the energy in the room. It tells the clinician, consciously or not, that this matters. Most providers want to meet that effort.

We spent a lot of time talking about breast cancer on the episode, but this idea isn’t limited to oncology. Any situation where the stakes feel high benefits from shared decision-making. Asking that question doesn’t mean you’re handing over control. It means you’re asking for perspective you don’t have yet.

That perspective can save time. It can reduce confusion. It can help you feel more grounded in decisions that affect your health, your relationships and how you move through your days.

Cancer has a way of making people feel like things are happening to them. Small moments of agency matter more than we realize. Sometimes the difference between feeling overwhelmed and feeling supported comes down to one honest question asked at the right moment.

You deserve care that treats you like a whole person.

Sometimes, the door to that kind of care opens with a single sentence: “If you were me, what would you do?”